It’s been over two years since that day. That day that I discovered the truth about my husband’s secrets and my heart was crushed. That day that I was not sure how I’d survive… we’ve come a long way. Sometimes I stop and think about where we came from and how much Christ has truly done in our life! My husband, a 16-year porn addict, has been redeemed and is completely sober. Our marriage that was one breath away from death is completely restored. My heart that was consumed with bitterness and shame has been transformed and made new. It’s amazing to see how God has changed us. I’m not the same me. My husband is not the same him. Our marriage is not the same us. And I think that as we get further and further from that crucial day, in our own arrogance and pride, we may remember more of WHAT has changed and lose sight of WHO changed us. It’s easy to pat ourselves on the back because we see how good things have become and the pain of that day is not as monumental in the present moment. I think sometimes we need to be reminded of that pain and the incredibly stupid decisions we made. I think sometimes God allows us to be reminded so we will climb down off that pedestal and kneel before the One Who truly deserves the praise for our transformation.
It’s funny; I often get these random thoughts in the strangest ways as I am caring for my four children. Today, as I drove to the pediatrician’s office because the twins are both sick, the song “All This Time” by Britt Nicole came on the radio. I typically don’t listen to the music very loud in the car but as it happens, Britt Nicole is my daughter’s favorite singer. She is away with friends for a few days and I miss her, so I played it loud (I know, I’m one of those mushy moms!). Crazy as it seems, this song is the catalyst God used to begin the remembrance of that day and the wreckage He has brought us from.
(Verse One) I remember the moment, I remember the pain
I was only a girl, but I grew up that day
Tears were falling, I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone
I was doing my best, trying to be strong
No one to turn to, that's when I met You
(Chorus) All this time, from the first tear cried
'Til today's sunrise and every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I, You've been walking with me all this time
God wasn’t surprised that day. He knew every day of my marriage with Gavin that on June 21, 2010 everything would change forever. He knew how my heart would break. He knew how alone and confused I would feel. He knew that I would question His love and protection for me. He knew that I would become angry and struggle with hatred. He knew that the tears would fall for a long time. He knew how tormented Gavin was. He knew how many years Gavin had struggled with his addiction and how many times he had begged God to change him. He knew how often he sinned, and how often he cried. He knew how scared Gavin would be that day. How he would feel sick with worry, not knowing if he’d have a family to wake up to the next day. He was there for it all. And you know what else? God knew how it would turn out. He knew that we would make it and He knew exactly how to take something awful and turn it into something lovely. He sent the right people at the right time to minister to us. He revealed His Word that would change our hearts and minds forever. He delivered us from addictions, hatred, shame, bitterness, and resentment. He blessed our marriage bed and sanctified it. He never left us through the bad and the good.
(Verse Two) Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me and You're restoring
Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You're the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story
This is my story too!! God You did see me. And You do rescue me. DAILY! But sometimes it takes a song or a Word or an encouraging friend to remind me to give You the praise due Your Name. It’s not something I’m proud of. In fact, it’s pretty shameful. The bridge of the song says “I felt Your love, I felt Your grace, You stole my heart that day.” I have felt Your love. I have been wrapped in Your grace. And You have stolen my heart. But for some reason I allowed my love to wane. I want that fire back. And Lord, what still gets to me is that “You’ve been walking with me all this time.” I don’t know why You love me so or why You keep giving me second chances. But thank You for reminding me.
Walking in Freedom,
Tags: ""britt nicole"" ""all this time"" restoration healing pain secrets
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