I suffer from a deadly illness that I battle with day in and day out. It's a sickness that I rarely find relief from and my days of defeat seem to far out weigh the victorious ones. It's a condition that has ravaged my body, stolen my joy, corrupted my mind, and there is no earthly cure. It's sin. Yes, sin. I was born with it. And although I have found some healing from the Glorious Physician, I know that I will not be completely free from this wretchedness until it is put to death in this physical body. Sin. Yes, sin.
And my sin nature is not more provoked than when my husband and I are fighting. When things go wrong, I have levels of anger. I start with frustration or irritation. Something is bothering me and I don't like it. Then, if the issue is not resolved, I move on to flabbergasted. I am just in disbelief that this is even an issue and that my husband is being such an “idiot” that he can't figure out how to just apologize. This usually leads my husband to become defensive and hostile, which only adds fuel to the flames. Next, I go into the shut-down mode. I am blown away by the situation at this point and decide I'll “be the better person” and just shut my mouth. But I'm not really being the better person because on the inside I'm boiling. I'm going over it and over it again in my head and building up my case. By this time my husband usually says something snarky that just sets me off and then something snaps inside of me. I go into a blind rage. I yell, scream, cry, slam cabinet doors. It's really... really bad. This is the point where my children run and hide or cry and ask us to stop fighting. This is the point where both of us scream so loudly there's no possible way that the other can hear. This is when my husband usually says things he doesn't mean and I start calling him names. Oh the enemy is having a party right about now. Then my husband walks out and I spend the rest of the night sulking. Like I said, really... really bad.
Sin. Yes, sin. It's very much still a part of my life. Even as a pastor's wife, I struggle. A lot. I am not perfect. I am a sinner and I desperately need God's grace. Grace to cover my pride and my selfish attitude. Grace to silence my harsh tones and disgusted looks. Grace to hush my voice that is raised. I need Jesus to come to my rescue in these moments when I am blinded by my anger and hurt. I cannot overcome it without Him.
Why am I telling you all this? Because even if your husband hasn't betrayed you, you will struggle with these same issues. You're human. But if you're reading this blog than chances are you have been betrayed by your husband and your anger, bitterness, resentment, fear, and insecurities have been enhanced exponentially. Overcoming anger is one of the biggest hurdles in healing after sexual betrayal. And it's one that you can't slack off on. My husband always says that he can't take a day off of pursuing purity. Even for a day. Why? Because he would fall into destruction. Well... I've learned that the same is true for my anger. I can't take a day off of pursuing gentleness. Even for a day. Why? Because I fall into destruction. Unfortunately, I have found myself falling into destruction a lot lately. I have been so angry, not even sure why, and have been fighting with my husband a lot. Not about our past, but about stupid stuff that really shouldn't even matter. Stuff that is not worth going into a blind rage over.
So I sit here tonight, trying to wrap my brain around this darkness in my heart. As a Christian who loves Jesus, yet still has this blind rage that comes bursting forth with all its teeth and claws ready to strike. And trying to wrap my brain about the beautiful grace of Christ that covers my multitude of sins. I am unworthy. I am in need of my Savior to cleanse my heart of this wickedness. And I need to go into the living room and apologize to my husband.
Tags: sin anger nature deadly jesus defeat victory fighting yelling
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