Healing is a funny thing. Not funny “haha” but funny as in peculiar. Peculiar that something so painful and gut-wrenching can actually spark a deep love and passion within you that you didn't know you had. Let me explain...
After I discovered my husband's addiction to pornography, I felt like my life was over. I was so completely overwhelmed by broken-heartedness that I didn't see how I could possibly ever love him again. And yet something within me was longing for him. And as my husband repented of his sins and began “starving” his eyes of lustful images, he fixed his eyes on his bride. That's me!! All of a sudden he noticed me, he was attracted to me, he was desiring me. Not in a lustful way, but in a I-can't-believe-I've-been-missing-this kind of way. And his whole heart became devoted to me, as well as his hands and body. It was like a light switch came on in his brain and he was now able to delight in me. With the darkness of pornography and lust put to death, he was now able to really live his life. A life that he found much sweeter than he'd ever imagined it could be. And guess what? I did not refuse him. Although I was hurt, I was also wooed. I was sad and confused, and at the same time excited and comforted. We were able to work through the pain of betrayal using many different resources like counseling, books, support, accountability... and touch.
may think it's weird, considering the source of our pain, but my
husband and I found comfort and healing in physical intimacy. It was
an area that had been severely lacking when he was using pornography,
and once that barrier had been removed, we were able to pursue each
other romantically for the first time. Ever. And it was wonderful.
Not only did physical intimacy help us ignite a romance we had never
really experienced before, but it gave us hope. With each kiss and
embrace, G0d was mending our broken marriage and giving us hope that
this pain was something we could overcome. And we have!
funny thing about healing, God always brings something new. One of my
favorite verses that comforted me during that crucial first year was
Isaiah 43:18-19, “Do
not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you
not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers
in the desert.” I
knew that out of this painful experience in our marriage, that God
would bring something new. And boy, did He ever! I wasn't expecting
something so amazing (although with all the new found intimacy, I'm
not sure why!). God blessed us with a new pregnancy. And even more
than that, He doubly blessed us with twins!! That's right! I found
out I was pregnant right at a year into our healing process. And not
too long after that, (due to some really difficult complications) we
discovered there were two babies sharing my womb. God was giving us
something new; these babies represented His amazing grace for us and
reminded us of how hard we fought to keep our marriage. God was
showing us that He does still make roads in the wilderness and rivers
in the desert. So when we found out the twins were one girl and one
boy, we decided to name them Grace and Gideon. Grace represented the
grace God had showered on us throughout this journey of sin,
repentance, redemption, transformation, and restoration. We could not
have survived without God's grace. Gideon represented the brave
warrior we both became. My husband fighting diligently against his
addiction to pornography and me fighting diligently against anger,
bitterness, and fear. It also represented how hard we fought
side-by-side to pursue each other. We could not have survived without
the fight. How very fitting that God would bless us with our Gracie
and Gideon. They are such a joy and a very welcomed addition to our
Healing really is a funny thing. You never know what will happen when you trust in God and you allow Him to mend your broken heart. But you can certainly expect that God will spring forth something new. He will make roads in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. And, oh, how sweet they will be.
Walking in Freedom,
Tags: healing recovery ""isaiah 43:18-19"" ""pornography addiction"" broken heart redemption restoration
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