We have been fighting this thing for a little while now and I know how difficult it is. I know the ups and downs that you experience. I know some days you are walking on sunshine and the next day you are deep in the pit. It sucks. It sucks that you did this to yourself but it sucks even more that you did this to her. She wasn't expecting this when she married you; she was expecting so much more. She was expecting a prince or the suave romantic like in all the movies. And maybe you convinced her that you were. But really, she got you. And this is her reality now. Struggling every day trying to figure out what wasn’t good enough about her to make you look at other women, look at porn, have an affair or whatever other crap we pulled. Now don’t get me wrong, I have battled my own demons during this process. I was terribly wounded during my childhood. I can see that plain as day now. But now that I have progressed through that woundedness, I just see that scum for what it was and for what I was. Honestly, the longer I am in this, the more pissed off I get at myself and the other guys who are in it. And I would be just a gutless fool if I were to get back into it again. Men do not do that type of stuff once we’ve been through the healing. Little boys do.
Now, don’t let me sound too harsh. Many times we are just grown up little boys and we have a crippling wound hanging over our heads, sometimes we don’t even know about it. But I am talking about once we get out of it, shame on us if we fall back into it. She deserved to leave us the first time, there is no doubt she will leave us the second time. That’s the thing about our sin, if it were just affecting you, then maybe the consequences wouldn’t be as severe. But it's not just affecting you; it affects her each and every day. Some days are better than others, and maybe one day might slip by where she doesn't think about it at all, but those days are few and far between. For the most part we have to eat a giant helping of humble pie and keep on living it, staying committed, staying disciplined, staying humble, and staying the course.
That sounds easier said than done, I know, but we have to. For her sake. For the sake of our marriage. For the sake of her sanity. For the sake of our soul. I am willing to do whatever she wants me to do to give her peace of mind. If she doesn’t want me on the computer, no problem. Matter of fact, I don’t get online unless I tell her first. That’s one of the things I’m willing to do for her. Not because I need to, but because I want to. But it’s just not about doing the old things; it’s about doing the new things too. So what if I'm not looking at porn anymore. Whoopty- Freaking-Doo. Lots of men don’t look at porn. How am I showing her that I love her? Am I serving her? Am I fighting for her? Taking care of her needs? Loving her unconditionally? Putting her before myself continually? If not, then who really gives a rip of I'm looking at porn, she still doesn't have a husband to lean on. She has a sexually pure room-mate. She doesn't need that. She needs someone to battle for her; to battle physically, spiritually and emotionally for her. To carry her burdens. To plead to Christ and His blood on her behalf. To show her that we are thankful for her grace and that we are so undeserving of it. To pray for her each and every day.
Now, I'm not going to pretend that I do all of that every day, but that is my desire. And my wife could tell you that I fail at those things pretty much every day. But I have discovered that this thing is so much more than me not looking at porn. It’s about giving her life back that I ripped from her and stomped on, spit on and threw in the dirt. Only through Christ can we even begin to accomplish any of this. That's why I wake up every morning and try to get as close to Him as possible. Sometimes He feels like He is sitting right beside me, other times as distant as the moon. But I have to get up anyway and plead for His presence in our lives; otherwise I can't do it on my own.
On Victory’s Side,
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