Some of the most heartbreaking words I have ever heard is when a wife tells me that her husband blames her for his addiction to pornography. That it's her fault. Because she didn't satisfy him or take care of his needs. That she drove him to pornography...
been thinking a lot about personal responsibility lately. How much
was my fault? Did I drive him to look at porn? Was there something
lacking in me that I could have changed that would have kept him from
looking at pornography? And I have come to the conclusion that we are
all responsible for our own choices. Let me give you an elementary
example: My children recently had a sleepover with several kids from
church. Everyone was getting along fine, having a blast. Then
suddenly there was a big fight between two boys. We'll call them X
and Z for now. X did something annoying that upset Z. X shouldn't
have done that, he wasn't acting in kindness. So Z became infuriated
and proceeded to pick up a little pipe he found in the back yard and
tried to attack X. Eventually they ended up in a scuffle and X ran
off while Z sat at the picnic table and cried in self-pity. It was
his conclusion that this was all X's fault. If X had only not done
that really annoying thing. “I can't control myself!” Z said. Now
let's think this through logically. Was X annoying him? Yes. Should X
have acted with kindness? Yes. Did Z still make the choice to attack
his friend? YES. Could he have chosen not to act out in anger? YES. Z is responsible for his behavior, no matter what X did to annoy him. Z
made a very bad choice and HE WAS TO BLAME.
Now let's change the scenario to fit into our situation. I have done things that annoy my husband (and I'm sure I still do!) Maybe I had nagged him about picking up his clothes. Maybe I had turned off the game and insisted we watch something that we both enjoy. Maybe I had denied him sexually a night or two because I was exhausted. Maybe I did those things. Those are my flaws that I take responsibility for and need to seek the Lord to help me change those annoying little habits. But here's the kicker. Did these things CAUSE my husband to look at pornography? Was it MY fault that he betrayed our marriage vows? ABSOLUTELY NOT. He was fully responsible for his behavior. Could he have chosen to lead me and help me be a better wife? Yes. Could he have chosen not to act out sexually? Yes. He was responsible for his behavior, no matter what I did to annoy him. He made a very bad choice and HE WAS TO BLAME. And I'm not just passing the buck here. My husband knows that he was responsible for his own choices and he will tell anyone that HE made the choice to look at pornography, HE made the choice to lie, HE made the choice to stray. Even if I was the worst wife in the world (which was not the case), he was ultimately responsible for his own behavior. We all are. That's why we ALL have fallen short of the glory of God and we are ALL held accountable for our depravity. When we get to heaven and stand before the Lord, we will have no one else to blame. We will not be able to tell Jesus... well I only did such and such because my spouse wasn't good enough. Jesus will look deep into our hearts and we will be guilty. And just like no one else can save us, only Jesus can save us from our sin... no one else is responsible for our choices either.
One of the most immature things a man can do is play the blame game and not take responsibility for his choices. Little boys do this. Men don't do this.
Dear Unrepentant Husband,
You have broken your wife's heart enough by your choice to look at pornography. Why compound the pain by blaming her? You know it's not her fault. Even if she was a horrible wife who never had sex with you (and I'm sure if you're honest with yourself you'll find that's not true), YOU still made the choice to seek out pornography. It didn't force itself on you. You made that choice. YOU MADE THAT CHOICE. And you need to take responsibility for it. It's not her fault. Yes, every wife has issues that she needs to work on, just like you! And she is responsible for her choices. But quit being immature. Quit evading responsibility and try, for once, to be a man. A real man doesn't run from his responsibilities. A real man doesn't blame his wife for his flaws. Aren't you tired of this? Aren't you tired of hiding? Of lying? Of hurting your family? Then MAKE THE CHOICE today to change it. Jesus CAN change your heart and help you overcome this addiction. It's NOT impossible. But the first step is confession. Isn't your family worth it? Isn't your salvation worth it?
If you need help, please contact us. My husband, Gavin, is here to help. He used to be just like you. Lost deep in sin, tormented by his choices, running from his own responsibility and blaming me for his behavior. Until God broke his heart and opened his eyes to the state of his heart, his marriage, his family. He realized what he was doing was hurting his family and that he had to make a change. You can make that change too. Don't waste another day living in darkness.
Walking in Freedom,
Tags: blame responsibility pornography addiction marriage husband wife unrepentant husband choices behavior jesus healing overcome
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