“I feel like it's not OK for me to not be OK. Like if I'm hurt or upset over what happened, that somehow I'm holding a grudge, not moving on, throwing it in your face. I feel like its not supposed to hurt anymore and that if, for some reason, I feel hurt over the past, that I'm not being 'forgiving'. I feel like here I am writing blog after blog to help other women in the midst of their crisis, yet who am I to say anything when I am sitting here feeling upset. I just feel like I'm not allowed to be hurt anymore.”
This is a snippet of a long conversation I had with my husband LAST WEEK as we drove home for about an hour. I want to share this with you because I need you to know that the distance between your heart and mine is just shy of 3 years. I am by no means an expert when it comes to healing from sexual betrayal. Although I'd love to say that I am completely healed and that I never struggle with fear, doubt, memories, or insecurities, that's just not the case. Sure it's less and less, but there are definitely days when I struggle. And sometimes, because I started the Isaiah 53 Ministry and I also write for the spouses blog at x3 Church, that somehow I should be immune to all these issues. That I should be above it all and that my marriage should reflect a restored, holy union between a sexually sober man and his healthy and healed wife. If that's what you're expecting, I think you've come to the wrong site. Or perhaps your expectations are too high. I sometimes lose perspective and forget that every day I need grace. This is not just something that my husband did years ago, is repentant of, our marriage has been restored, and now I am walking in freedom from all fear, all doubt, all insecurities, all triggers; it requires a daily dose of grace from Jesus Christ. I use “walking in freedom” as my sign-off because that is my goal for each day. But some days I stumble along, some days I can barely walk, and some days Jesus has to do the walking for me.
I don't want anyone to ever have the impression that I've got it all figured out and I've got all the answers when it comes to this stuff. Because I don't. God has definitely blessed me with insight and given me a great avenue to minister to other women who are hurting, but I still have to take it one day at a time. Just like you. My days may seem different now than they did 3 years ago. I'm not crying all the time, I'm not angry all the time, I don't scrutinize my husbands every move because I'm terrified he's still lying. That's all changed, thank GOD... But that doesn't mean that I never struggle. I do. I am weak. But here's the good news: when I am weak, HE IS STRONG. Yes, the children's Bible song is still true! Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but HE IS STRONG. I am nothing on my own but through Christ, I am able to overcome. This betrayal, this pain, these fears, those insecurities, they are no match for the power of Jesus Christ. He is the Sustainer, the Healer, the Redeemer, my Restoration, my Rock, my Refuge, my Companion; it is by His grace, His mercy, His love, His wisdom, His peace, His Word that we are restored and walking in freedom. There is nothing in me that has accomplished anything. It is only through Him that I am even able to type this blog without weeping uncontrollably as I would have 3 years ago. It is only through Him that I am able to minister to woman after woman who contacts me broken and confused. It is only through Him that I am able to love my husband completely and live out forgiveness in a marriage that was once marred by betrayal. It is because of Jesus.
So please know that I am not too far from where you are now. I have been in those very painful shoes. And I am a testament to what the grace of God can do in even the most dire circumstances. By His wounds, I am healed.
Walking in Freedom (Daily),
Tags: healing restoration power overcome addiction pornography pain marriage
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