It was supposed to be a special day. A day to remember. The day we found out if our twins are boys or girls. Everything was going well until we got home and all hell broke loose. The enemy was on attack and we were not prepared for what was about to take place. Gavin and I began arguing about something that has been a point of disagreement for some time, and things escalated quickly and harshly. We did not speak to each other with love or respond in humility. Rather we chose to do some time traveling and reverted back to our weak and beggarly elements. I yelled. He yelled. We said things we shouldn’t have said in ways we shouldn’t have said them. One thing led to another and I found myself standing in my driveway looking at my husband, consumed with anger and bitterness. Everything that I’ve been working so hard to give over to the Lord welled up inside me and it spewed out of me like venom. He said something that cut me deeply and it was like I’d been transported back to before the repentance, before the healing began. I was reminded of all the pain we’d been through over the past 10 years and then it happened. I ran at him. I screamed at him. I hit him. I don’t tell you these things in boasting, but rather complete shame. You may be thinking, “what gives her the right to blog about restoration and healing!?” Rest assured... my husband and I have found great restoration and healing through this process. But we have not arrived. We are not perfect. We still struggle and (shocker!) we still sin. If we all wait to minister to others until the day we are perfectly free of sin, well, our entire life on this earth would be a waste because no one would ever minister to anyone! But I digress. I’ve never hit my husband before, not even on the day I found out about his sexual betrayal. But for some reason, on this day, I unleashed all my emotions and acted sinfully towards him in a way that shocked me.
After an hour of crying and talking and crying some more, my husband and I were able to work through the issue we’d been fighting about. And the rescue came just as quickly as the sin had. God brought healing and renewed restoration to us, even in the midst of our stupidity. I confessed my sin to a friend of mine and she had some encouraging words for me. She told me of a similar incident she’d experienced with her husband and how it left her feeling so empty and condemned. But through her sin, God exposed those dark places that are still lingering in her heart. Those places God still needs to heal. She talked about how there will always be some residue left from all the years that we sowed to the flesh (both husbands AND wives) and when it gets exposed it can be lethal. But at least once it’s exposed; God gives us the opportunity to deal with it. Will we repent and allow God to continue healing our hearts, or will we remain in the dark? This has been my experience throughout the healing process. There are days when I sow to the spirit and reap a harvest of love, joy, intimacy, and trust in my marriage. And there are days when I sow to the flesh and I reap a harvest of destruction. And it’s in those destructive days that God reveals to me where I am holding something back from Him. Where I am hiding some deep-rooted insecurity or anger or bitterness that I am clinging to and refusing to hand over to him. All I have to do is surrender. He is ready and willing to heal my brokenness if I just ask Him to. Healing is a continuous process. It doesn’t just happen overnight. And there are still parts of my heart that are broken. Not only by my husband, but my own sin as well. And Jesus’ wounds are certainly capable of healing my broken heart.
So what should I have done in my driveway that day? We all know answer. I should have exhibited self-control over my emotions. I should have communicated with my husband what I was feeling and why I was upset in a humble and loving way. I should have spent time in prayer if I felt I was unable to speak to him respectfully at that moment. But that’s not what I did. And in a way, I’m glad that it happened. I’m not glad that I sinned, but I’m glad that God reminded me yet again that I am not invincible. Sometimes we get going along in this path to restoration and healing and we think we are impervious to the missiles of the evil one. And we lose sight of how easily we can fall. How fragile our hearts really are. How desperately we need Christ every second of everyday because without Him, nothing is possible. Without Him, we fail again and again and again. I am not invincible; I will be the first to admit it. But I am forgiven. And I am moving forward. My husband and I learned a great lesson that day and it’s actually helped us advance in our walk towards freedom. Friends, if you find yourself time traveling, transporting back to your fleshly ways, don’t let it defeat you. Repent and ask God to expose those parts of your heart that are dark and broken. Ask Him to come in and begin to heal. It’s the only way to keep moving forward in this journey we call healing.
Walking in Freedom,
Ps. We found out the twins are one girl and one boy… Gracie and Gideon J
Tags: healing anger bitterness wounds brokeness ""weak and beggarly elements""
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