I stumbled across this letter today and I want to share it with you. It's a letter I wrote almost a year ago to the "other woman." I had been struggling so much with forgiving Gavin for his relationship with her, as well as forgiving her,even more than I had struggled with his addiction to pornography. A friend suggested I write her a letter (but not send it) expressing my pain to her and seeing if that might help. It did! After I wrote this letter, I had Gavin read it out loud. Then we prayed and I forgave him (and her). I kicked her "presence" out the door that day and she hasn't been welcomed back since! So I thought I'd share my letter and encourage you to write one too. Whether your letter would be addressed to the women of pornography, or to the "other woman," this really can be a theraputic experience in helping you through your healing process.
Dear _ _ _ _,
Before I begin, I understand you may be wondering why I am even writing you. Perhaps you think of yourself as an innocent party in this whole mess. But as a woman, I can’t help but think you knew exactly what you were doing. So with that…
I must explain to you the depth of effect your relationship with my husband has had on him, me, and our marriage. Obviously your charm and beauty ensnared my husband and led him further and further away from me. That first flirtatious interaction with him probably seemed harmless, but it was leading to certain death. After the next few weeks you became emotionally connected, sharing stories of your hardships in life. You may have even looked to him for advice or counsel concerning an old boyfriend. You knew that he was married, you met our daughter, yet for some reason you continued to come around. You stopped by his place of work to “chat” with him on a regular basis. But your chats weren’t harmless. My husband began to desire you. He became infatuated with you, allowing himself to be excited when you came around. During his tedious work day he would wait in longing, hoping you would come in to visit with him. He basked in your affirmation and enjoyed being the object of your attention. It wasn’t long before my husband looked forward to seeing you more than he wanted to see me. Although I had not been number one in his eyes for many years, suddenly I was no longer number two either. You surpassed me. You didn’t expect anything from him. You required nothing of him except perhaps his wit or his smile. You were a free pass; an easy feeling that wasn’t going to need anything from him. He could simply enjoy you without the stresses of home, finances, children, etc. You were an escape from reality for him.
As time went on, my husband began to desire you more. He wanted to spend time with you aside from your meetings at the workplace. He began chatting with you on the internet and even created a secret email account so he could talk to you without my knowing. You were a secret. He wasn’t proud of you; in fact he was ashamed of you. But still, he was drawn to you. His flirtatious words became ambiguous invitations for sexual proclivities. You didn’t seem to mind. You responded to his emails promptly and were more than willing to arrange a time to meet with him. You fed him. He was enticed by you and you enjoyed the attention as well. So you led him on. I don’t know if you ever intended to meet with him, I don’t know what he would have done if you had. I do know that I’m so thankful God revealed this emotional affair to me before it became a physical one.
And now, a year later, I am still angry with you. I’m still confused as to why my husband sought after you. Why did he stop pursuing me and start pursuing you? It wasn’t enough that he was cheating on me with the women of pornography that are out of his grasp, but then to go and seek out a real woman. A woman who was tangible, who could make him really feel all those pleasures he could only fantasize about with porn. Why? I have often wondered what you have that I don’t. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not what you have. It’s what you don’t have. What you don’t have is character. You were willing to entertain an emotional affair with a married man and seek to take it to a physical level. You were the seductress woman that he needed to feed the lust of his flesh. You’re not prettier than me. You’re not sexier than me. You don’t have more to offer him than me. You don’t please him more than me. You were simply an object to him. Someone for him to toy with and play with at his leisure.
I’m supposed to forgive you. The Bible tells me so. And so does my counselor and our support group. And when I ask myself why should you deserve forgiveness, I am reminded that I too need forgiveness. I live only by the grace of God and His favor on me. There’s nothing in me deserving of forgiveness, for I was dead in my sins but Christ breathed life into me and that is the only reason I am where I am today. I have done nothing worthy of God’s love, yet he makes me worthy through His love.
So here I am. Trying to forgive. Believe me, it’s not easy. I am just a woman, a broken woman, trying my best to follow Christ’s example. I need to forgive you in order to move forward with my healing. And there’s nothing I want more. My husband and I have come a long way. He has repented of his relationship with you, of his affair with the many women of pornography, of his lustful eyes, and he has been sexually pure for over a year now. I am the object of his desire, I am the one he pursues. And together we are placing our marriage in God’s hands and doing our utmost to serve Him and each other in word, thought, and deed. He has been completely transformed and I am so unbelievably honored to be his wife. So I forgive you. Your memory has no power here. It’s been a long time coming, and for too long I’ve let your memory traipse around our house and into our intimate moments. You are no longer welcome here. I choose to forgive you.
Walking in Freedom,
Tags: adultery forgiveness healing ""other woman"" confrontation
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