There's something that had been
festering in my soul. A question that I've had about my husband's
past sin that has been tormenting me. We've been redeemed and
restored for several years now but recently I had a thought that
took me hostage. A thought that I wasn't able to shake. As much as
I've tried not to dwell on the past, I wasn't able to get rid of this
doubt that was flooding my soul.
So what did I do with it? Here I was,
this woman who has overcome so much in my marriage and personal
healing. I keep up this blog and write for other sites that offer
for couples who have been hurt by sin. And yet I still have my own
struggles. I still have an occasional doubt. I still occasionally
have a twinge in my heart when I see my husband on his computer or
So really, what did I do with this haunting question?
Well, after much conflict within myself, I finally decided that I needed to talk to my husband about it. As much as I'd like to just let it go and not ever have to think about it again, I just couldn't. And instead of letting this one question continue to eat away at my joy, I talked to my husband.
It turns out my doubt about our past was correct. And though I had always suspected that truth and have been living in forgiveness, it really hit me hard to hear him say it was true. Even all these years later, after all the repentance, all the counseling, all the late night cries, all the restoration, all the redemption... I still felt betrayed.
I didn't hit rock bottom. I wasn't taken back to ground zero. But I did experience pain.
But here's the thing, I TALKED to my husband. This is key. I chose to be vulnerable and allow myself to feel the pain instead of running. I could have chosen to keep this thought to myself, but it would have festered. And I would have become more and more bitter. But because I was able to discuss this with him, I am now able to deal with it. My husband responded with humility and remorse about his past and I am trying to offer him grace and forgiveness. To be honest, I'm still struggling today. I know that God is faithful and He will continue to heal my heart and restore our marriage continually.
So here's my encouragement to you...
No matter how far removed you are from the past, no matter how many years you've been in this recovery process, don't be afraid to talk to your spouse about your doubts or fears. When your thoughts take you hostage, you have to be willing to break the chains and allow yourself to be vulnerable once again. Communication is key to continued healing on the road to complete recovery. Here's some tips in how to approach your concerns with your spouse:
Pray about it and ask God if it's something that you need to discuss.
Seek out a time when you and your spouse are alone and have time to speak free of distractions.
Approach your spouse with grace and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Stay humble and be prepared for his response.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable and understand that you may experience pain again.
Ask God to help you purge any bitterness from your heart and cling to grace.
I am glad that I've been able to talk
to my husband and that we are working through this speed bump on our
road to recovery. I pray that the healing comes quickly.
Walking in Freedom,
Tags: healing pain betrayal recovery restoration hostage help husband
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