Jesus came to pardon our sins, but He also came to heal the brokenhearted so we can walk in freedom.  Freedom from pain, guilt, shame, sin, and condemnation. By His wounds we are healed. May God continue to bless us on the path to complete restoration and healing in Him.  

Why you Shouldn't Keep Secrets from Your Spouse

Posted by Kristina Croft on Tuesday, March 18, 2014

To tell or not to tell or how much to tell... these are the big questions in the recovery world. Should you tell your spouse when you struggle sexually? For so long, it's been an unwritten rule that men should not tell their wife if they have sexual struggles. That we are too fragile and that it won't benefit us to know. That it's just between the man and God. Most encourage men to talk to a male accountability partner so as to spare the feelings of the wife.

But my husband and I both disagree with that. While we agree that having male accountability and support is important, we also believe that accountability with your wife is essential to a healthy marriage. We believe that keeping secrets from your spouse is actually a selfish act in hopes to spare yourself the embarrassment of confession and the hard-work of rebuilding trust. When you've sinned against your spouse, it's much easier not to tell. To swear in the dark corners of your heart to never do that “thing” again, and to consider it as doing your spouse a favor. But the truth is that keeping secrets is selfish, it breeds mistrust, and it only leads to more secrecy. When you keep secrets from your spouse, you don't have their best interest at heart, but rather your own.

I can't tell you how often I have heard wives say, “The lies hurt more than the porn” or “If only he had the courage to come to me and tell me, maybe I could have helped him” or “Yes, I would have been hurt but not nearly as much as I am now after years and years of secrets and lies.” And on and on. Why?

Because secrecy is betrayal. When you choose to marry, the Bible says that you become one flesh and that your body is no longer your own but your spouse's. So when you you entertain lustful thoughts, sexual fantasy, masturbation, pornography, adultery, and the like, you have not only sinned against your God but your spouse too. The bible is clear that we should confess our sins to God but it also clearly states, “Therefore,confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working” (James 5:16). If you violate the trust between you and your spouse, they deserve the opportunity to pray for you, forgive you, and find healing together.

Confession is good for the soul. It benefits both the one confessing and the one hearing. When you confess, it should leave no doubt as to the scope of sin you've committed. You won't want to use gory details that elicit morbid thoughts in your spouse, but you don't want to be too general or non-specific either. Your spouse needs to know what he or she's dealing with. Avoiding confession only covers up the virtue of honesty and will leave your spouse wondering what else she doesn't know.

To the hearer, your response should be one of mercy. As Christians, God has poured His grace and mercy on us though we are wretched sinners. And our goal should be to react to confession with the attitude of Christ. To offer tender mercies and forgiveness. Is that always the case? Unfortunately, no. Actually the opposite is usually true. At first. But ultimately our goal should be to find forgiveness with each other, with confession as the catalyst towards healing.

Walking in Freedom,


Tags: secrets  lies  struggles  confessions  sin  confessing to each other  truth  trust  james 5:16 
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