“You’re just like your father! One minute you’re brilliant, controlled, steadfast. And the next you’re throwing it all away on some young piece of ass.” This is a line from the movie Sweet Home Alabama, where the mother is arguing with her son about who he wants to marry. As I was watching this movie recently, the Holy Spirit stirred in me. And I thought about how most men do become just like their fathers; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I remember sitting with my husband one morning and his speech pattern was drawn and slow, similar to the way his father talks and I blurted out, “You sound just like your dad!” I wish that his speech pattern was the only thing my husband got from his father. But it’s not.
Gavin’s father was steeped in sexual sin when my husband was a young boy, and a series of events took place that changed him forever. His father had an affair and left the family when Gavin was just 4 years old. Nobody discussed what happened between his mom and dad, so the concept of hiding and deceiving was instilled in him at a very early age. It was common place, when Gavin would visit his father on the weekends, for pornography to be readily available in the bathrooms. Gavin claims his parents never spoke to him about God’s design for sex or marriage; he never even got “the talk” like most teens. By that I mean the awkward “talk” that doesn’t really prepare adolescents for anything but parents feel obligated to have with them. Sex just wasn’t talked about in his home, whether good or bad. Gavin has told me that he knew looking at porn was bad because he would get in trouble, but he didn’t know why it was bad. He had no idea the devastation sexual sin would cause or the bondage it would bring. His parents had little to no restrictions on internet usage and so Gavin had a digital harem at the click of a mouse by the age of 11.
Gavin became just like his father in many ways. Generational sin is not a myth. Seeing his father have an affair and everyone seeming to just “go with it,” Gavin inherited a very warped perception of what love, marriage, intimacy, and truth were to a man. He learned quickly to get sexual pleasure whenever and however he wanted, and it wasn’t a consideration who would be hurt in the process. He learned to lie, hide, and deceive, keeping secrets about everything, especially pornography, lust, and relationships with other women. He learned that women are just parts and pieces to enjoy, that it’s a man’s joy and right to look at, touch, and gain pleasure from any woman, anywhere, at any time. That women, whether on the internet, TV, and movies, or just walking down the street, are there for men to ogle over. That it was normal.
The role my husband’s parents played in his addiction was huge. They weren’t to blame, but they certainly aren’t off the hook. And when I consider the damage that was done to Gavin, even inadvertently, by his parents, my mind is brought to my own children. My son is just 2 years old, but I am very aware of his sexuality and the way his mind works simply because he is a male. I am aware that he is getting bombarded with sensual images even at 2yrs, just walking through our local mall. Pornography, by definition, is the depiction of anything erotic to cause sexual excitement or a quick, intense, emotional reaction. So in all reality, there is pornography on television commercials, in movies, on billboards, even in the way women dress in public; it’s everywhere. I am very aware of that. And even at such a young age, I know that his mind will begin to take digital snapshots of what he thinks a woman should be. How she should look and act. But Gavin and I have vowed that we will break the chains of generational sin. It ends with us. And it is our goal that our son will become just like his father, the part of his father that is redeemed and restored, transformed and true, daily pursuing sexual purity.
So how do we do that? How do we teach our sons and daughters about sexual purity, God’s amazing gift of sex within the context of marriage, and the destructiveness of sexual sin? Honestly, it’s all about communication and God’s Word. For too long, parents have felt awkward or afraid to speak to their children about sex. For too long parents have been so ashamed by their own sin that they just sit quietly hoping their kids don’t make the same mistakes. It’s time to be proactive. We shouldn’t have “the talk” with our kids. We should be talking, regularly, with our kids. And we can’t wait until they come to us with a question, which means they’ve already been exposed to something by the world. We have to begin teaching our children about God’s design for sex before they start learning it from friends at school, TV and movies, or God-forbid, the internet. We have to set up boundaries to protect them from sensual images and ideals. Not just the boys, but girls too. Teaching them modesty, God’s view of beauty, how sensuality and sex are beautiful when used in the context of marriage. Enough is enough and Christian parents need to engage in this battle for our children. There’s plenty of Scripture to use that not only portrays God’s wonderful gift of sex, but also describes the danger of using sex in a way God did not intend.
Song of Songs (Solomon’s song) is a great book in the Bible that a lot of Christians are scared of. The idea of reading about and studying sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is uncomfortable to many people because we’ve allowed the world and Satan to distort our view of sex. Sex is a beautiful gift that God has given husbands and wives to enjoy. It’s not dirty, gross, and nasty unless it’s sinful. But within the context that God created it, it’s something to cherish, treasure, and enjoy. The Song of Songs gives an exceptional, poetic representation of how a husband and wife can find boundless pleasure in each other and have genuine intimacy together. It’s a beautiful book in God’s Word. God wouldn’t have included this book in His Holy Scripture if it was meant to be “off limits” to us. It’s meant to be studied and applied. One of the best sermon series I’ve ever heard on the Song of Songs is “The Peasant Princess” series by Pastor Mark Driscoll. You may not agree with everything he says, but this series does give incredible insight into the role of sex and intimacy in marriage. It can be an excellent tool for parents to study not only for themselves but to also use that information to teach their children about Godly intimacy.
A passage of Scripture that leaves little to the imagination is Proverbs 5. It’s a warning and the best depiction I’ve read on the depravity of sexual sin. The father is speaking to his son and warning him about the dangers of adultery. This is a great passage to use in helping teach boys how destructive sexual sin can be. It’s so good; I’m just going to share the whole passage…
My son, be attentive to my wisdom;
incline your ear to my understanding,
2that you may keep discretion,
and your lips may guard knowledge.
3For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil,
4but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to Sheol;
6she does not ponder the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
7And now, O sons, listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
8Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house,
9lest you give your honor to others
and your years to the merciless,
10lest strangers take their fill of your strength,
and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,
11and at the end of your life you groan,
when your flesh and body are consumed,
12and you say, "How I hated discipline,
and my heart despised reproof!
13I did not listen to the voice of my teachers
or incline my ear to my instructors.
14 I am at the brink of utter ruin
in the assembled congregation."
15Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
16Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
18Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
20Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
21For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the LORD,
and he ponders all his paths.
22The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him,
and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.
23 He dies for lack of discipline,
and because of his great folly he is led astray.
It can’t be any clearer. God intended for sex to be enjoyed by a husband and wife. In fact he purposes for a man to be delighted and intoxicated by his wife. And when the purpose of sex is broken, it leads to death. It leads to utter ruin.
I know children, more often than not, grow up to be just like their parents. And as Christians, our goal should be to teach our children to be just like Christ because we, ourselves, are striving to be like Christ. That’s my goal with my kids. When my son is an adult, as a husband and a father, I want someone to say, “You’re just like your father!” And that it would be an honor.
Walking in Freedom,
The Peasant Princess by Mark Driscoll Link: http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess
Tags: fathers children parenthood ""peasant princess"" ""mark driscoll"" ""proverbs 5"" ""song of songs"" ""sexual sin"" sex god
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